This is IbikiTeishi (Mollie) pulling out a big stick with which to stir the poo pot. I have gathered the evidence to persuade you there is merit in my crackpot theory of Naruto’s unknown pedigree. Everyone (except the title character) knows that Naruto is the son of Namikaze Minato (uh, for those who are dumb as hell just joining us that’s the 4th Hokage, dumbass) and Uzumaki Kushina. Kushina came from another village, but Minato did not.
In the manga, great power descends from pedigreed clans, each generation getting stronger than the one before (some characters say); DNA allows for the development of kekkei genkai and other special clan skills (like the 1st’s mokuton or wood ability–lol there’s no, er, ‘clean’ way to say that). Someone truly talented never springs out of nowhere; there is always a clan backstory in the end. (Did I rile you up yet, Alec?)
Except Naruto and Minato. And then our boy turns out to be the 4th’s own son. So…where did Minato come from?
Clan’s are depicted with similar features, especially the HAIR. It’s all about the hair. Jiraiya has the craziest ‘do. Nobody has hair like him (please…correct me if I’m wrong), except Minato and Naruto. Akimichis maybe, maybe Nidaime (who also has white ok, gray hair, btw, and we don’t know about Jiraiya’s family either).
Very few people have golden blonde hair like Tsunade, except Minato and Naruto. (Yamankas, Temari, Deidara and Dan–OMG! Minato is Jiraiya and Dan’s love child!). So hair alone narrows the field of possible “known” shinobi to a few candidates. (k, if you aren’t giggling…check your sense of humor because I’m totally messing with you.) So Minato looks like he could be the son of Jiraiya and Tsunade, or Jiraiya and Dan, if they ever indeed had kids.
I know most of you are saying…that would be impossible, dumbass! The ages, the time lines, it doesn’t add up. Yeah, did the math on that. When the series starts, Jiraiya and Tsunade are about 50 years old, Naruto is about 12. That means he was born when they were about 38, which is also when Minato died. If Minato was as old as 24 when he died, he was born when Jiraiya/Tsunade were 14, conceived when they were 13 (years before Dan and Tsunade first meet, she appears to be late teens to mid twenties). The Sannin were made jounin at 10, so by the time they hit puberty there wasn’t a sensei to…well…er, chaperone. And we all know Jiraiya would…what a perv…(he’s so my hero).
So the plausibility of the theory isn’t crushed by timelines, and hinges on how old you think Minato was when he died, by his pic at the top of the entry he was younger than I expected (Kushina was pregnant at the time). Personally, I think he was put into Hokage as a pinch hitter–the face and jutsu man while the 3rd worked the politics. Minato was put in when young, physically at his peak and politically stoopid inexperienced, possibly even as a sacrifice…but that’s an evil story for a different day. (The 3rd, the elders and Danzou are all TOOLS, and good riddance. GASP! Have I wound you up yet?).
Why the hell should Naruto look just like Tsunade’s little brother (Nawaki) if they aren’t related? Sure Naruto has Kushina’s eyes, but he has Tsunade and Nawaki’s eyeliner. Why does Nawaki also look like Minato as a kid? (Of course Nawaki kind of looks like Jiraiya too, so maybe he and Tsunade are ‘Kissing Cousins’ by way of Nidaime and Naruto’s the product of inbreeding. Also explains a lot…rile YOU up yet, Jeremiah?)
Next there is the dialogue between Tsunade and Jiraiya everytime this comes up, and the weird look on Tsunade’s face. I see guilt there, but I leave that up to you to decide (esp. #158, 159 and #367).
Naruto calls Tsunade gramma. OK, so it’s a funny joke, but in a work of fiction jokes like this, especially when the character’s ancestry is secret or unknown, and the joke comes back again and again and again, that’s foreshadowing (or just really bad writing). Same thing with Jiraiya calling/thinking of Naruto ‘like’ his own grandson, so often that even Iruka had noticed this (#406). There’s also a funny reference to Minato as his ‘son’ in #367:
My guess is, if this theory is true, Jiraiya either didn’t know the truth or had to pretend not to know; I’m not saying J-man raised Minato, I’m saying he donated the DNA. I also think very few would know about Tsunade’s ordeal. Perhaps the Third orchestrated the whole thing, frickin’ eugenics pimp. But he’s dead now, so he won’t tell.
So…tell me why it isn’t true. I’m not gonna listen unless you can lay down some evidence to the contrary. Ibiki-sensei taught me to be a hard ass about that long ago; gimme your best shot. (k, now I’m really messing with you, trying to piss you off so you’ll take a swing at me…like a loudmouth in a bar who’s had one too many…so, did my crap stick work? does this shit float? what do you think?)
UPDATE: I promised the evidence that puts Tsunade out of this equation. I was hoping someone else would come up with it. One of Jiraiya’s flashbacks as he’s dying:
Given the context and the rest of what he thinks being brutally honest, I think this is the terrible truth–without any kind of candy coating or wishing it could be true. Jiraiya and Tsunade never, ever, not even once (unless J-man doesn’t remember, LOL) made the two-humped beast. But…I won’t give up on the idea that Minato could be Jiraiya’s. Not yet, anyway…